How To Talk To Your Kids About Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day can be a difficult time for a lot of people, but it can be especially hard for children and adolescents who feel left out by their peers. What are the signs that your child is lonely and isolated? How do you talk to a child who is feeling these emotions? What can you do to get them out of a rut? We sat down with Dr. Fatima Watt, Director of Behavioral Health Services, to answer these questions ahead of Valentine’s Day. For more information on our Outpatient Mental Health services, please call 617-254-3800 x3141.

What are the signs that a child is feeling lonely or isolated, especially around a time like Valentine’s Day?
Watch for changes in behavior. That’s the biggest sign that something is off with your child.

– If they’re suddenly not sleeping well or sleeping too much
– If they used to be social and now they’re no longer talking to their friends or talking to other people
– If their eating habits have changed

Really pay attention to changes and shifts in your child’s behavior.

How do you talk to a child who is feeling these emotions?
Make sure that your child knows that you’re available and willing to have these difficult conversations with them. Especially older children and adolescents, sometimes they can want to keep their parents an arm’s length away, but it’s important that the parent opens the door for the conversation.

Say things like:
– “Hey, I noticed you’re not sleeping well.”
– “I noticed that you’re not eating well.”
– “I’m worried about you. Let’s talk about how you’re feeling. Tell me what’s going on.”

Even if they don’t want to talk to you in that moment, it’s really important that they know you’re ready, willing and able to listen when they are ready to talk. And then when they do approach you, make sure you take the time.

Put your phone down.
Turn the TV off.
Be attentive.
Be present.
Listen.

What actions can a parent take to make a child feel less isolated?
Be available.

Sometimes, difficult periods can lead to a child feeling overwhelmed. So on something like Valentine’s Day where they’re feeling very sad or lonely, those feelings can lead them to be overwhelmed. Make sure that you’re monitoring for those signs. If suddenly they can’t choose between a hot dog or a hamburger, then reduce the choices and offer a suggestion. Sometimes we have to reduce the expectations for our children when they’re going through a difficult period and that’s okay.

Is there anything that can be done as Valentine’s Day approaches? Or after the day itself?
Really monitor how much time your child is spending on social media – that’s a really big deal. Get them out of the cyber world and into the real world. Offer to do fun things with your child: to go to a movie, to watch them play in their basketball game, or to do something special with them. Even if they’re feeling a little left out of their peer group, they shouldn’t feel left out of their family. Offering ways to spend extra time with them or include them in the things that you’re doing can be very helpful in getting them out of their dark place.

Any other advice for someone who cares for a child that is going through a spell of loneliness and isolation?
It’s important for kids to know that their feelings are normal and that their experiences are normal. For kids in the latency and adolescent age period, it’s appropriate for them to be egocentric and think everything is about them. It’s okay for parents to normalize their experiences and say, “It’s okay that you feel sad on Valentine’s Day because you don’t have a date.”

Feelings aren’t the enemy, so try not to negate how they’re feeling. Don’t ignore how they’re feeling, acknowledge it. Let them know that it’s normal and a lot of other individuals are going through this too.